My Fair Hana
by Sen Graham
Summary: Yumichika makes a bet with Ikkaku that he can turn Hanatarou into an ultra cute shota-type in time for the tanabata festival. One part Bleach, one part My Fair Lady, all CRACK.
1. Prologue

My Fair Hana

Summary: One part Bleach, one part My Fair Lady, all chaos! Yumichika makes a bet that he can turn clumsy, plain, Hanatarou into an ultra cute shota-type in time for the tanabata festival.

Ikkaku set his sights on something strange. It was not his friends Ayasegawa Yumichika in all his feathered eye glory or his unnecessary orange garments. It was not even the ridiculously flamboyant scent he wore that caught his attention. It was the heavy looking silver thing he held in his hand and looked so intently at. It obviously a hand mirror, judging from the loving way the fifth seat held it and gazed at it, but Ikkaku had never seen one styled like that before.

It was gaudily decorated with floral patterns and intertwining vines. The third seat wondered why the other would carry such an impractical thing when a plain simple mirror did the same task.

"Hey Ayasegawa, where'd you get that?" asked Ikkaku.

"The human world," the narcissist responded, never looking from his reflection, "A place called Kyrien's Kuriosities. The man can't spell, but he has excellent taste."

"Excellent?" questioned Ikkaku, wondering what was so excellent about an impractical, heavy, gaudy mirror.

"Oh yes, this mirror is much better that my other one," smiled Yumichika, "It makes me look so beautiful, don't you think?"

"Sure," said Ikkaku, knowing how pointless it was arguing, "By the way, about the tanabata festival…"

"If you have nothing to wear I'll lend you something," interrupted Yumichika.

"That's not it, I can't go with you, Lieutenant Yachiru ordered me to go with her and Captain Zaraki…"

Ikkaku watched his friend, and could easily see from the look on Yumichika's face that something died inside of him. Very few things frightened the third seat, but the whole eleventh company knew that hell had no fury like a woman's- er, Yumichika's wrath.

"What?" demanded the fifth seat, looking more like a medusa than a narcissus.

"Sorry, you'll have to find someone else to hang out with," said Ikkaku plainly, "Or you can tag along with us."

"No! No I can't! Everyone else is so unsightly, going alone is just as unsightly, and Ayasegawa Yumichika 'tags along' with no one!" declared Yumichika, "You can tell them you have a prior agreement!"

"Or I'll tell you I have a prior agreement, and you can make someone else pretty enough to go with you," suggested Ikkaku.

"What is that supposed to mean!?" snapped Yumichika.

"Come on, you probably have enough crap in your bathroom to make Captain Zaraki look like a bishonen," sniggered Ikkaku.

"Ha, how ignorant! Cosmetics don't make a person beautiful," scoffed the narcissist, "You have to consider build, height, colour, features, personality, movement and…ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?"

Ikkaku had started to stare off into space, but a certain screaming angry pretty boy proved to be very good at grounding Ikkaku into reality.

"Yeah, I heard you say you couldn't do it," said the bald man, rubbing his sore ears.

"Do you dare challenge me?" demanded the shiny haired one.

"Sure, if you can turn the next thing that comes around that corner into something pretty, I'll renew all those subscriptions to those girly magazines of yours," challenged Ikkaku.

"You mean those disgusting, smelly, calloused, dirty things you call feet," mumbled Yumichika.

"Do we have a deal or not!?" snapped Ikkaku.

Yumichika pondered for a moment, "Let me polish your head if I win instead, and you have a deal."

The two shook on their deal and waited for something to come around the corner. It took a few hours since it was a seldom used road behind most of the buildings in seireitei, but as fate would have it, it was garbage day, and as fate would also have it, Yamada Hanatarou had been put on garbage duty. The two friends watched as the plain looking healer hauled a garbage bag around the corner and threw it in a bin. He was about to return to his duty when he heard laughter coming from the third seat of squad eleven.

"Wow Yumi, you have your work cut out for you!" he howled, slapping his knee, "The freaking janitor, of all people!"

The fifth seat looked like he was about to become very, very, ill. Hanatarou, doing his duty as a medic, went to help the ill man.

"Ah! Ayasegawa-san, are you alright?" asked the boy.

The man in turn glared daggers in return and inwardly cursed his fate. Hanatarou suddenly became very nervous.

"Good luck, pal," said Ikkaku, turning and leaving, "I'll be expecting a very thorough foot rub!"

Yumichika rounded on the medic/janitor and sized him up. Immediately, he realized there was no way he could be 'beautiful.' He was too short and skinny, his eyes were far too large, his face had the wrong bone structure, and he simply did not have the confidence to pull it off. However, the boy did not have to be beautiful, and fortunately, he had all the qualities needed for something very pretty indeed.

Withing two seconds the medic was flung over Yumichika's shoulder.

"Eeek! A-ayasegawa-san! P-please, p-put me down!" squeaked Hanatarou.

"Politeness and natural stutter…that might be an advantage…" pondered Yumichika, and a moment later they vanished.


	2. Getting Started, and the Basics

Chapter 1: Rules and the Basics.

Hanatarou was not really sure where he was, he did know he had been tied to a chair and gagged because he 'squirmed and made to much noise.' The room was plain and unnaturally clean. Before he could observe much more, his kidnapper wheeled a whiteboard into the room and positioned it in front of Hanatarou. Then he reached into his shirt and pulled out a marker.

"All right, first I'll lay down some ground rules," said Yumichika, writing the words 'Ayasegawa's Aesthetic Boot-Camp,' "First, do not touch anything, unless I tell you to. Second, you do not touch me or speak to me without permission. Third, you must do whatever I tell you to without question. And lastly, you will not leave this house, until the tanabata festival. Now, I have some questions, so I'm going to take the gag off."

Yumichika, not all that gently, untied the gag, but left the boy tied to the chair. The fifth seat gathered himself to his full height and towered over Hanatarou. If there was one thing he had learned in squad eleven, it was how to intimidate.

"To start," said Yumichika, disgustedly running his fingers through the medic's jaw length hair, "Have you even heard of shampoo and conditioner?"

"Uh, of course," said Hanatarou, "Um, can you untie me please, these ropes are-"

WHACK!

'Whack' for those who do not know, is the sound a rolled up newspaper makes when it connects with someone's head. Someone, in this case, was Hanatarou.

Yumichika held the newspaper menacingly, "I didn't give you permission to ask me questions yet. Now, do you ever use shampoo?"

"Sure I do!"

"What brand?"

"Um…uh…the one in the bargain section?"

WHACK!

Yumichika then added a new rule on his white board. "Never EVER use cheap shampoo!" he read out loud. Hanatarou whimpered and cowered in fear as the fifth seat and the newspaper returned to tower over him.

"I suppose you use cheap soap as well. No cologne I see, scentless deodorant, no make up…Open your mouth," ordered Yumichika.

Hanatarou did as he was asked, fearing the wrath that was black, white and read all over.

"At least you have good teeth. Let's see…you keep your hands clean enough, small build, timid, yep, just as I thought. You're definitely a shota-type."

"A-ayasegawa-san, you still haven't told me what this is about."

WHACK!

"I didn't tell you to talk yet! But I suppose you should know. This is about me getting to polish that arrogant jerk's bald head into submission!" explained Yumichika, "But to do that, I have to win a bet that I can turn you into something that won't make me weep to look at."

Hanatarou still had no idea what was happening, but he did not want to get hit again, so he remained silent.

"Now, when you wash, do you just rub soap on, or do you scrub?" demanded Yumichika.

"Well, I don't get much time for scrubbing, so I just-"

WHACK!

A few seconds later, the words 'ALWAYS SCRUB' were written on the whiteboard.

"First things first then," grumbled Yumichika, "I have to give you a _proper_ bath."

Rather than stopping to untie the tight knots, the fifth seat simply cut the medic loose and carried him off under his arm to the bathroom. Once inside, Yumichika bolted and locked the bathroom door. He then rounded on the medic and began to remove the poor boy's clothes.

"AH! AYASEGAWA-SAN! I CAN DO THAT MYSELF!" cried Hanatarou.

"Just hold still, it'll go faster if I help!" grumbled Yumichika, yanking off the boy's black top.

"P-PLEASE STOP!" screamed Hanatarou.

"Hold, still!" ordered the other shinigami as he untied Hanatarou's sash, then made a grab for his hakama.

"K-KKKKYYYYAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

'Kya' is Japanese otamatopia for a girlish scream. This girlish scream was heard all over, but the poor generic shinigami walking past Yumichika's house, heard it loudest, and wondered if he should report that Ayasegawa was harassing a girl to the shinigami women's association.

About an hour later, Hanatarou was curled up in the higher ranked shinigami's bathtub. He would have liked to stretch and relax, but said higher ranked shinigami was still there. Said higher ranked shinigami had also spent the past hour scrubbing hard in places the poor medic did not even knew he had…which was odd considering he was well versed in anatomy.

"I ordered you to relax," grumbled Yumichika, rubbing his temples.

"B-but, I can't while you're watching…" whimpered Hanatarou.

"Are you questioning my authority?" asked Yumichika, pulling out the newspaper.

"No, but-"

WHACK!

"No buts! Do I have to show you how to relax or something!?" barked Yumichika.

"Ayasegawa-san, I'm sorry, but I can't with someone else…you know…"

WHACK!

"But won't a newspaper get all soggy if you bring it into the bathroom?"

WHACK!

"I'm just here to make sure you follow orders and don't try to run away," grunted Yumichika, "Trust me, I'm not looking at you because I want to. I'm surprised I haven't gone blind yet."

Hanatarou nervously raised his hand like a frightened little schoolboy.

"You may speak," said the fifth seat rolling his eyes.

"Um, if you lock me here alone, and take my clothes, then I really won't be able to leave without your permission and you won't have to look. S-so, could we do that instead?" suggested Hanatarou.

Yumichika thought it over. It was a sound idea, perhaps some brains were there to compensate for the boy's plain looking appearance. Yumichika bent over and picked up the well worn uniform, and the ever present medical bag. He sighed, knowing he would have to find something much better than this if he wanted to polish Ikkaku's head until it could blind people with its shininess.

"You have fifteen minutes. Make sure you're dry when I come back, and try not to prune," commanded Yumichika, "Remember relaxation is important. If you get wrinkles and gray hairs and such…Then God have mercy on your soul…"

"Y-yes sir," squeaked the medic.

"And absolutely, do not touch anything!" snapped the fifth seat as he slammed the door shut.

Now there were a series of other questions to address. Questions like; where would the boy sleep? What would he eat? Most importantly, what would he wear? Yumichika cringed at the thought that he was touching the worn, sweaty uniform. He quickly discarded the clothes in a heap off in a corner and marched to his bedroom. None of the clothes he wore would probably fit the boy properly, but surely there was something that might be just the tiniest bit above average.

Yumichika sorted through the clothes he had gotten in the human world. They might have been nice, but they were really all too large for someone Hanatarou's size. Then he found some clothes he had not touched for a long time. There were a few yukatas, some kimono tops and hakama, but none that would fit. He was about to give up when an idea occurred to him. One of the kimono shirts would be about knee length on Hanatarou, and the boy would probably never dream of leaving the house without pants of some description. Yumichika grabbed a white kimono shirt and a red belt and tried to imagine them on Hanatarou. The mental image was not completely hideous. It would do, for now.

Else where, Captain Unohana was wondering why someone had not come by to take out the garbage and empty the recycling in her office. She checked the schedule to see who ought to have done it by now. When she saw the name, Yamada Hanatarou, she knew it had to be some kind of harassment from squad eleven that was keeping him.

In a way she was right…


	3. The Makeover Episode!

Chapter 2: The Makeover episode!

Hanatarou was in the process of toweling his hair dry when Yumichika burst into the bathroom. Hanatarou yelped and immediately covered himself with said towel.

"Get that out of the way, and put these on," ordered Yumichika, "And for heaven's sake, stop screaming!"

"You're going to watch me get dressed!?" cried Hanatarou.

WHACK!

"If you want something done right…" grumbled Yumichika, forcing the kimono top onto Hanatarou, "Would you stop squirming!?"

Once the boy was dressed Yumichika threw him over his shoulder and stalked off to the bedroom. He unceremoniously dropped Hanatarou in front of a vanity table equipped with a large mirror and dug through the top drawer. To Hanatarou's horror he pulled out a pair of scissors.

"This time if you squirm, I'll cut off your ear-"

SLAP!

Slap, for those who do not know, is the sound you hear when flesh strikes flesh with a large amount of force. In this case it was Hanatarou's hand, striking Yumichika's. The fifth seat stood there stunned as the scissors flew out of his hand and hit the ground with a thud.

"First, you kidnap me, then you tie me up, then you beat me with a newspaper, then you invade my privacy and personal space…well…I'm drawing the line at cutting my ear off!" Hanatarou declared timidly, folding his arms across his chest so Yumichika could not see his hands shake with terror.

"You dare slap your superior?" growled Yumichika, "If I had the luxury of being able to disfigure you, I would do it in a heartbeat."

"G-go ahead," bluffed Hanatarou, "I've been beaten before!"

Yumichika stomped away and returned with the rope. "Listen you! I'll use small words so you can understand. What you want does not matter. All you need to do, is sit down, shut up, and do what you are told."

The fifth seat was very talented with knot tying, and had Hanatarou's wrists tied behind his back, and his ankles tied together in no time at all. "Once again, squirm too much and I might cut off your ear."

"I just want to go home…" sighed Hanatarou, looking like he was ready to cry.

Yumichika sighed, "Listen, kid, the thing is…how do I explain this. I made a bet that I could make you look cute, that's all I'm going to do. Don't you want to look pretty?"

"No…" said Hanatarou.

Yumichika was about to reach for the newspaper when a better idea came to him, "Wouldn't you like to surprise anyone? Like, a girl perhaps? Or maybe show all the people who pick on you just who they've been tormenting?"

"Well…maybe…" stammered Hanatarou flushing a little.

The fifth seat smiled a beautifully devilish smile. Everyone had a vain side to them, it was just a matter of appealing to it. Now that he had appealed to the boy's perhaps things would go a little more smoothly.

"So, you'll put away the newspaper?"

WHACK!

"Sorry, the paper stays," said Yumichika, "Beauty has its price you know, as does slapping and back-sassing. Now, all I'm doing is getting rid of these split ends, evening out the back and side sweeping your bangs. Any complaints?"

"Um, Ayasegawa-san, I didn't understand a word of that."

WHACK!

"Just sit still, I don't want to cut you by accident. Now close your eyes, and don't open them until I tell you to."

Hanatarou hesitantly closed his eyes as a large towel was wrapped around his shoulders. Soon he found himself listening to the sound of scissors neatly slicing through his hair. The odd time he felt the itchy trimmings fall onto his hands and the back of his neck, and fingers, skilled in their art, combing and measuring his hair.

Yumichika was as skilled with scissors as he was with any other blade. He cut carefully, measuring twice before cutting and using slow cautious cuts. He could not afford to mess anything up, his gloating rights depended on it! He breathed a sigh of relief when the cutting process was finished. Next he swept Hanatarou's bangs to one side and used a bobby pin to hold them in place. The stage was set for the next phase.

"This is going to sound weird," warned Yumichika, "But I'm going to put some makeup on you now."

"Boys don't wear makeup," commented Hanatarou.

THWACK!

Thwack is the sound a newspaper makes when it connects with someone's back. Yumichika was not about to mess up the boy's hair after spending so much time on it.

"Turn around and look at me," ordered Yumichika.

Hanatarou did as he was told and looked up at the fifth seat of squad eleven. He tried to take everything in. The orange thing around his neck, the feathers, and the very stern expression were all in their usual places, so Hanatarou wondered just what it was he was looking for.

"Right now, I'm wearing makeup to cover up a few scars and a slight blemish, lip gloss, and a small amount of mascara," explained Yumichika, "Wearing makeup does not make men any less masculine, and so long as you use it right, nobody is the wiser."

"But what if they can tell?" asked Hanatarou, "If someone caught me, I'd die of embarrassment."

THWACK!

"If that happens you lie your face off," instructed Yumichika, "If they notice shiny lips, tell them its Vaseline, if they see concealer, you say it's a blemish, understand?"

Hanatarou nodded as Yumichika dug through his drawer and pulled out a small inconspicuous case. "The only people who know about this are you, Ikkaku, and Yachiru. And those two only know because Yachiru raided my drawers, asked Ikkaku what everything was for."

Hanatarou noticed Yumichika looked flustered and embarrassed at the memory, and decided that even if he did not want to, he would let the other man do what he wanted. Yumichika also noticed a wave of submission pass through the boy, and slightly blush at the idea of wearing makeup.

"That's good," he said taking Hanatarou's chin in his hand, and turning his face this way and that, "Blushing is very cute. You definitely make a better shota type than prince type."

Hanatarou just turned redder at the comment. He didn't know what 'shota' meant, but it did not sound very manly. Yumichika inspected his face and neck, finding an almost invisible blemish on the side of the boy's neck, and a little bruise (possibly from a recent newspaper related beating) on his forehead that had until recently been hidden by his bangs. He quickly worked with the concealer to hide the small blemishes, and blend the makeup to match the boy's skin.

"None the wiser," he repeated, more to himself, than Hanatarou, and pulled out a pink tinged gloss, "This one would be too obvious on me, but it might work on you, if you keep flushing red like that. In fact, if you keep that up, I might be able to use a bit of blush on you."

Hanatarou sat quietly while all kinds of strange things were being applied to his face, and wondered if that was a good thing or not. All he knew was, there was now sticky stuff on his neck, forehead, eyelashes, and lips. Not to mention a bit of fine powder on his cheeks. After a long while Yumichika stood back and let out a squeal of delight.

"Yes, I am a genius. I can't wait to see the look on that bald baka's face when he sees this," the man gloated, "Oh right, you can look in the mirror now kid."

Hanatarou slowly turned and nearly had a heart attack. It was his reflection. It had to be his since there was nobody else there, but he did not recognized the face at all. The reflection's eyes seemed brighter and larger with long lashes, the shimmering lips were full, the hair was perfectly even and shone gently in the light…

"That can't be me…"

THWACK!

"Don't be stupid, why can't it be you?"

"Because…because I'm not pretty…"

THWACK!

Yumichika sighed, "We're going to have to do something about that self esteem problem."

"I don't have low-"

THWACK!

"You are the poster child for low self esteem! Just think of everyone else as mindless insects, except me of course, and you'll be fine."

"Is that what you do Ayasegawa-san?" asked Hanatarou, making sure to raise his tied hands when he asked a question.

"No, I _know_ they're stupid insects," smiled Yumichika.

Hanatarou pondered this, while Yumichika looked over his work. Ikkaku had scoffed at him when he found out Yumichika did all the make up for the academy's drama club, but now he would scoff while applying ridiculous amounts of polish. It was a fun hobby anyhow. He could spend hours mixing pigments and colours until he could no longer be recognized, though he had somehow missed working on other people's faces. Yumichika tried to remember why he quit being the club's makeup artist…

Oh right, the members were all hideous…

However, now he was helping someone discover their own inner and outer beauty. The idea that he would be passing his knowledge to another and sharing his wealth of experience made him feel something he had not felt before. 'Drunk with power' more or less summed it up.

"I'm heading out now, just try not to wreck anything while I'm out," said Yumichika.

"Um, Ayasegawa-san, are you forgetting something?" asked Hanatarou.

"Nope, just wait for me to come back," called the higher ranked shinigami as he exited.

Hanatarou felt his heart sink as he heard the door slam shut. He sighed and looked at his limbs the fifth seat had indeed forgotten to untie. The medic set to work, trying and failing to untie himself, forgetting there was a pair of perfectly good scissors in front of him.

Meanwhile, Captain Unohana was worried sick for her seventh seat's well being, and sent Isane out to find and possibly rescue him.

* * *

Hi there Y'all! Thank you for your support so far, and I look forward to all the lovely reviews. (hint hint ^^)

Just a few quick notes. First off, I don't like this chapter, I reread it time and time again but everytime I think its too sappy. I'm also a huge tomboy, so I really don't know anything about hair and makeup. I usually only use it for plays, special occasions and halloween. With the exception of Halloween, somebody else usually fixes my hair and makeup. My reaction is always quite similar to Hanatarou's. "I didn't understand a word of that." So I just wrote what my friends, my mom and my cousins keep telling me.

Please send reviews to make me warm and fuzzy inside!

~Sen-chan


	4. Hypothetically

Chapter Three: Hypothetically…

Yumichika happily walked out of the costume rental store with a large bag in hand. So long as his prisoner- er, student, was not leaving his house until the tanabata festival, they should have a little bit of fun. He had already bought some groceries earlier, so all that was left to do was take care of…something…he had a feeling he forgot to do…

His train of thought was cut off when he passed a very reflective window. Caught in the spur of the moment he stopped and inspected himself. Everything was absolutely flawless, his hair, his skin, his eyes. Then the unthinkable happened. Yumichika could have sworn he had told the boy to stay at the house, and yet there he was, back in that horrible uniform, walking around a corner.

Yumichika drew his trusty newspaper and dove beautifully through the air towards his pupil. "I told you to stay put!"

WHACK!

"Ayasegawa, what on god's green earth are you doing!"

To Yumichika's horror, he had hit the wrong short shinigami with black hair. Rukia Kuchiki whirled around and shot him a glare that would have made a lesser, more unsightly man pee his pants.

"Ah, Kuchiki-san, I, uh, thought you were someone else," said Yumichika, "Sorry about that."

"If you didn't out rank me…" growled Rukia, "Never mind. Who did you think I was exactly?"

"Oh, just someone," said Yumichika, then he got another idea, "Rukia, you know how the commoner's mind works right?"

"What's that supposed to mean!" exclaimed Rukia.

"Nothing…it's just, hypothetically I have a friend who started rooming with someone who has, hypothetically mind you, bad habits," explained Yumichika.

"What, is he hypothetically on the sauce, hypothetically slicing himself, hypothetically gutter mouthed," listed Rukia.

"Nothing like that, he's just a little bit of a slob, and quite clumsy. My hypothetic friend is having some trouble hypothetically trying to fix him," continued Yumichika.

"Fix?" asked Rukia.

"Help! I meant help him!" corrected Yumichika.

"Has your friend been, hypothetically using a newspaper to beat the bad habits out of him?" asked Rukia, "Tell your friend he'll catch more flies with honey and to ditch the newspaper."

"But my hypothetical friend has grown very attached to the hypothetical newspaper, hypothetically speaking," elaborated Yumichika.

"Hypothetically, you weren't even using that word right," mumbled Renji, who had been enjoying a nice walk with his childhood friend.

"Oh who asked you anyways," huffed Yumichika, before stalking off.

Rukia made a face at the back of the narcissist's head until he vanished from sight. Renji, of all people, simply rolled his eyes and wondered when everyone's maturity levels had taken a nose dive. Just then Isane ran up to Rukia and Renji.

"Ah, Abarai-san, Rukia-chan, have you seen Yamada-kun anywhere?" she desperately asked.

Rukia and Renji exchanged glances. Rukia grinned and cleared her throat, "No, but I have a good idea…"

On his way back Yumichika pondered the hypothetical words of wisdom. Perhaps positive reinforcement would be better than constant bludgeonings, but the newspaper had gotten some pretty good results. Positive reinforcement also required quite a bit of work. He would have to sit and listen, find out the boy's likes and dislikes, cancel his news subscription…it was all too much. He would stick with the paper for now. The constant swinging motion was doing wonders for his sword technique.

Of course the easiest thing to do would be to drop the whole project. He still had hair styles to experiment with, outfits to figure out, and even working with the boy's mannerisms. But if he did that he would have to rub his bald friend's putrid feet, which was absolutely out of the question for his beautiful hands.

In the mean time, he had decided to work on the boy's specific type. Sure he was trying for a shota type, but that was quite a loose fitting term. Hopefully some of his 'props' might help in the decision making process.

Then Yumichika's train of thought was promptly derailed by the squad four lieutenant.

"Ayasegawa-san," she called, "Have you seen Yamada-kun? I got a tip that you might have seen him."

"Yamada?" asked Yumichika, genuinely confused.

"Yamada Hanatarou, he's short and skinny, with black bobbed hair…blue eyes that are kind of droopy, he sort of looks sleepy all the time," described Isane.

"Oh, so that's his name," mumbled Yumichika.

"You've seen him?" asked Isane hopefully.

"I'll let you know if I do," lied Yumichika.

The poor girl sighed as her shoulders slumped over and she set off again, looking very disappointed. Yumichika almost felt bad that time, but the way she sighed had been so unattractive that any regret he felt was replaced with disdain. Besides, he couldn't have anyone interrupt his work. The man slid his door open as none other than Yamada Hanatarou collapsed in a heap at his feet.

"Ayasegawa-san, I'm sorry, but I can't untie my hands," whimpered Hanatarou.

THWACK!

"And this is an issue how?" asked Yumichika.

"Um…" Hanatarou began, and trailed off, mumbling something incomprehensible.

"Speak up!" ordered the fifth seat.

"I have to go," said Hanatarou quietly.

"Look, I told you already that you can't leave until after the festival," snapped Yumichika.

"No I mean…to the bathroom…" said Hanatarou.

WHACK!

"Cripes if it's an emergency, say so!" grumbled Yumichika. He took out a small knife and cut the boy's hands loose. "Make it quick, and wash your hands thoroughly!"

Hanatarou nodded and scurried away. Yumichika walked into the room with the white board and turned it around. With his trusty black marker he began to write down his next lesson. Suddenly he caught a glimpse of something in the shiny white surface that made him cringe with terror. Quickly he pulled out his pocket mirror to double check what he had seen. Yumichika looked over it thoroughly before breathing a sigh of relief. For a moment, he had thought he had seen a wrinkle.

Without warning his prisoner/project/pupil ran screaming out of the bathroom.

"AYASEGAWA-SAN!" he screamed, "THERE'S A STRANGE MAN IN THE BATHROOM!"

POW!

Pow is the sound that is heard when someone runs face first into a rolled up newspaper and is clothes-lined.

"Itai…" whimpered Hantarou.

"Now what's this about a strange man in the bathroom," demanded Yumichika.

"Hey Yumi, you're out of toilet paper," commented the strange man.

From the bathroom emerged none other than Ikkaku in all his bald glory.

"Ikkaku!? What were you- How did you- Why the- How long were you in my-" Yumichika spluttered as Hanatarou cowered behind the narcissist.

"I was taking a leak, I broke in through the window, it was an emergency, and I was there for five minutes or so when your girlfriend came in," elaborated Ikkaku, "does that about sum it up?"

"Girlfriend?" said Yumichika, "I don't have a girlfriend."

"Then who's this little cutie," said Ikkaku, stooping down and ruffling Hanatarou's hair, "So sweetheart, did they give you a name before you fell down from heaven?"

"Y-yamada," said the 'girlfriend,' turning crimson "Yamada Hanatarou."

Ikkaku froze and slowly removed his hand from Hanatarou's head, "Hanatarou? That klutzy _guy_ who sweeps up sometimes and cleans the bathrooms…is you."

"Um, yeah," replied Hanatarou.

There was an awkward silence between the two, only interrupted by the sound of Yumichika's obnoxious laughter.

"I see you like my handiwork," snickered the narcissist, "Do you still doubt my skill?"

"You turned him into a freaking girl!" exclaimed Ikkaku.

"Hm, guess I went a little overboard, but oh was it worth it," said Yumichika, he then did a very bad impression of his follicle-y-challenged friend, "Oh Yamada-chan, you're so cute! Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

"I never used that one!" protested Ikkaku, "Look, this is getting out of hand. Let's just call the whole thing off."

"Come now, since when does the third seat of squad eleven back down?" asked Yumichika devilishly, "And Yamada was so enthusiastic about this."

"Actually Ayasegawa-san, you kidnapped me, tied me up and beat me with a newspaper," corrected Hanatarou.

WHACK!

"Oh my god!" cried Ikkaku, "You _hit_ him! Hard!"

WHACK!

"Why yes," said Yumichika, "And I hit you too for that matter. Now I was planning on kicking you out, but I think forcing you to stay here and furthering your education is a much better idea."

And lo, it came to pass that Ikkaku became the narcissist's prisoner as well. And though he was exempt from any beauty treatments, he was not spared any beatings.

Elsewhere, Isane was informing Unohana that Yumichika had been acting suspicious, having suddenly subscribed to no fewer that five newspapers, and bought a conspicuous amount of rope among other things.


	5. Education

Chapter Four: "Education"

"All right students, today we are going to learn all about shota types," announced Yumichika, absolutely glowing with happiness. He had also donned some glasses, his school uniform from the human world, and used a pointer as well as his whiteboard.

"Yes, O beautiful and wise Ayasegawa-sensei," grumbled Ikkaku and Hanatarou, who after multiple beatings with even more newspapers, finally gave up and agreed to use the stupid title.

"Now class, the shota type is very easy to recognize. They have short stature, large eyes, small frames and generally childish appearances. Also they tend to have very cute personalities," explained Yumichika, "But did you know there are different kinds of shota types?"

"No, O beautiful and wise Ayasegawa-sensei," droned the captives.

"Oh class, your making me blush," chided Yumichika, "Lets start with the Loli-type. This type is the most recognizable, due to an innocent personality which includes a sweet tooth as well as a liking for cute stuffed animals. There is also the Rebel-type, who act tough and manly despite their small stature. We also have the Sensitive-type who tend to cry a little more than usual and are very in tune with the feelings of others. But the question is class, what type is Yamada-kun?"

"The type who sweeps the floors and cleans toilets," mumbled Ikkaku.

"What was that Madarame-kun?" asked Yumichika, reaching for his newspaper.

"Ah, I don't know because I am nowhere near as knowledgeable as you, O beautiful and wise Ayasegawa-sensei?" Ikkaku said fearfully. He was not normally intimidated by his friend, but Yumichika had thretened to make him look even girlier than Hanatarou. That was something the third seat would never be able to live down, so he obeyed, fearing the wrath of the makeup kit.

"The truth is, I don't know either Madarame-kun," admitted Yumichika, "So that's why we're going to have an in class lab!"

Yumichika then produced his bag from the costume shop, "We're going to dress up Yamada-kun and then decide what type he is. Isn't this exciting class?"

Hanatarou gave Ikkaku a pleading and terrified look. The bald man wondered what his friend could have done to traumatize the poor boy so much.

"Now if Yamada-kun would kindly come with me to the bathroom," called Yumichika, "And Madarame-kun, I'm counting on you to keep a record of the results."

"Um, O smart and lovely, I mean, O cunning and pretty, I mean," said Hanatarou, stumbling over the title and raising his hand.

"Just ask your question Yamada-kun," said Yumichika sweetly.

"It's just, can I please, change myself this time?" asked Hanatarou blushing from past experiences.

"Yamada-kun, it goes faster when I help you, so just come with me and try not to squirm…or else…" threatened Yumichika.

Hanatarou was given no chance to reply, and was promptly dragged off to the bathroom by an overly zealous Yumichika 'sensei.' He shot Ikkaku one last pleading look before the door was slammed.

Ikkaku stared at the door in horror as he heard screams and cries for mercy coming from the bathroom as well as Yumichika's demands and occasional strikes from a newspaper. Somehow he would have felt better if he knew Yumichika was beating up Hanatarou. Beatings he could handle, beauty treatments were another story.

"P-please stop! I promise to be quick!"

"Stop squirming! You're only making this difficult for both of us!"

"Ah! No! I'll do it myself!"

THWACK!

"Just be quiet and hold still! Honestly, you're the worst model ever."

Then Yumichika threw open the door and shoved a nervous and abused Hanatarou out of the bathroom. He was dressed in knee length shorts, a white polo shirt and tie, ankle socks, and held a teddy bear in his arms. Hanatarou blushed hard from his recent dress up session with Yumichika, and from the fact that Ikkaku was staring at him, stunned and speechless.

"This Madarame-kun, is more or less the Loli-shota, now, the camera's over there. Grab it and take some pictures," ordered Yumichika, "Yamada, I want you to smile innocently."

"I can't smile," mumbled Hanatarou.

THWACK!

"Why not?" demanded Yumichika.

"Because I'm not happy," said Hanatarou as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

THWACK!

"For crying out loud its called acting!" exclaimed Yumichika, "Just pretend you're happy."

Hanatarou nervously looked at the camera and smiled…sort of. It was a nervous smile, and for the most part, he hid behind the large teddy bear prop. Ikkaku did what he was told, but a part of him really felt bad about adding to the boy's torment.

"No, wrong. It's all wrong. Yamada, you have to be more out going," grumbled Yumichika, "You know what, never mind. Let's just switch now."

Ikkaku watched helplessly as Hanatarou was once more dragged off to the torture chamber…I mean bathroom by the wrist. Once more he heard various yelps and whimpers, along with demands and the ever present newspaper related otomatopia. Then Hanatarou was marched out into the room again. This time he had been forced into a Victorian style suit, and rather than a teddy bear, he held a voodoo doll.

"Ayasegawa-san, I think it's trying to eat my soul," said Hanatarou, gazing timidly at the doll.

His comment was ignored and 'Ayasegawa-sensei' continued his lesson. "Madarame-kun, this is a gothic-lolita. The female type is more recognizable, but even I'm not sick and twisted enough to put Yamada in a dress," said Yumichika, all smiles, "Now Yamada, try to act all creepy and tormented by inner demons and such."

Try as he might, Hanatarou was just one of those people who could not be creepy, even it their life depended on it. This was quickly noted, and Hanatarou was literally dragged off to the bathroom again. There were many cries of…yada yada, you know the drill.

This time Hanatarou emerged looking like a dead ringer for Caoptain Hisugaya. He might have passed for the young Captain's cousin...except something was amiss.

"This, Madarame-kun is the serious type. You can tell by…Oh for heaven's sake Yamada, serious types don't cry!" yelled Yumichika.

"I can't help it Ayasegawa-san," sobbed Hanatarou.

"I…I command you! S-stop that now!" demanded the narcissist.

"I can't!" the boy continued to sob.

"Come on, I think he's had enough for one day," said Ikkaku. The bald man really did want to help, but he had no idea how to comfort a crying kid. "Uh, there there? You can stop crying now," said Ikkaku awkwardly, handing Hanatarou a hanky. (teehee, alliteration)

Hanatarou accepted it, wiped his eyes and blew his nose. However he really could not stop crying. Being kidnapped, harassed and beaten had put him under a lot of stress, and now it was all just coming out. He did want to stop, having people watch him cry was embarrassing enough, but the snot dripping from his nose and the powders and creams mixing with tears and trickling down his face made him all the more self conscious. The more he thought of how pathetic and weak he must have seemed, the more he cried. To make a long story short, Hanatarou was spiraling.

"Here, change into this, I'll let you do it yourself this time," said Yumichika, handing another set of clothes to Hanatarou.

The boy nodded and was in the bathroom in a flash, happy to be out of sight while he had his little episode. Yumichika slumped, rather unbeautifully, beside Ikkaku.

"Glad he's gone, that was absolutely disgusting," huffed Yumichika.

"What?" asked Ikkaku, a little shocked at his callous friend.

"I mean really, just breaking down like that was hideous! And I wish I hadn't seen all that snot come out of his face. Honestly Ikkaku, that was the most hideous thing I had ever seen in my life," ranted Yumichika.

"You're just as disgusting…" grumbled Ikkaku.

WHACK!

"How am I disgusting!?" demanded Yumichika, "I mean look at me! How is this disgusting!?"

"Look at how you're acting! That's a kid in there not a dress up doll!" yelled Ikkaku.

"I thought you found it funny when I psychologically tormented people, beat them up and made them cry," accused Yumichika.

"That's grown men, not kids!" snapped Ikkaku.

"Careful Ikkaku, your shota complex is showing," sneered the narcissist.

"I don't know what that meant but I KNOW it was an insult!" yelled Ikkaku, grabbing Yumichika by the collar.

"And I know you're BALD!" Yumichika yelled back, kneeing Ikkaku in the gut.

A fight soon broke out in the living room. Insults and fists flew through the air, both opponents lock in a hate filled battle. The battle cries of 'Pachinko Head' and 'Drag Queen' ripped the shattered peace into tattered shreads, until someone had had enough.

"B-be quiet!" yelled a sobbing, timid voice.

Hanatarou peered nervously from behind the bathroom door. "I-if this is only going to cause fighting than I'm leaving. And I…I don't c-care what you do to me to make me stay. Even if you beat m-me, I'll leave."

Yumichika, who during the yelling and fighting had somehow wound up on top of Ikkaku with his hands around his bald friend's throat looked up. Ikkaku, who had until recently been punching his friend's stomach with one hand and trying to pull out his hair with the other, also turned to look.

Hanatarou was absolutely disheveled. His face smudged up, his eyes were red, his cheeks were stained by tears and his nose red from nose blowing. His hair had been tussled and his clothes had been very messily thrown on, but somehow he looked quite natural. He was wearing a plain pink shirt and blue flood pants. Plus the cute little ankle socks were back.

"Its…perfect!" cried Yumichika, "Oh if you weren't so gross and covered in snot I would hug you!

"Huh?" asked Hanatarou wiping his eyes.

"It's so natural! So cute! Yes, pink, black and white are totally your colours!" said Yumichika, giving the boy a thumbs up.

"But, pink's a girl's colour…" mumbled Hanatarou.

WHACK!

"I'll ignore that comment," said Yumichika, "For a doctor you're pretty sweet and innocent Yamada, that's totally your type! You haven't got a mean or conniving bone in your body! Now go find a face cloth, some soap and a brush. I need to fix you up again."

"Then, no more fighting?" asked Hanatarou.

Yumichika let out a high pitched and girly 'squeeeeee' that made both Hanatarou and Ikkaku cringe with terror. "That was so darned CUTE!" squealed Yumichika, "Yes, no more fighting, now run along and go get those things."

Hanatarou hesitantly left the room, fearing what Yumichika would do considering his random mood swings. Ikkaku watched his friend go into conniptions of joy, squealing about his genius, and rolling around on the floor and such.

"Oh Ikkaku aren't I a genius?"

"Yumi…"

"Did you see that, it was soooo cute!"

"Yumichika."

"I just thought of something new to do with his hair!"

"Fifth Seat Ayasegawa Yumichika!"

"Oh what do you want," grumbled Yumichika, "Can't you see I'm savoring my victory?"

"I think you're way too rough with that kid," said Ikkaku bluntly.

"Aw, you have a soft spot for kids," cooed Yumichika.

"What!?!" exclaimed the third seat, "I'm not soft!"

"Oh? Then why so concerned about the little weakling? And why do you make all those toys for the lieutenant? And why do you have the no beating kids policy?" ranted Yumichika.

"That proves nothing!" snapped Ikkaku, "I just think Hanatarou might break if your to rough with him. He'll probably crack before the festival if you keep this up."

"Who?"

"Hanatarou! The kid!" cried Ikkaku.

"Oh right, Yamada whats-his-face," shrugged Yumichika, "Sure, but I don't plan on losing this bet to you, you know."

Meanwhile, the generic shinigami from chapter one decided to report to the women's association that he suspected Ayasegawa Yumichika of harassing a girl in his bathroom. The news quickly traveled from Isane to Unohana, who put two and two together.


	6. Can you spot the Oscar Wilde quote?

Chapter Five: Can you spot the Oscar Wilde quote?

After Ikkaku was set free (actually Yumichika kicked him out after he offered 'his innocent delecate flower' some sake) Yumichika was once again seated behind Hanatarou and was brushing his hair. It was much shinier now that it had been properly washed and brushed. It was much smoother to the touch as well, which was a huge improvement over what it had been. All the knots and split ends were gone now, so Yumichika was now just having a little bit of fun.

Hanatarou had stopped crying for now, and since his face had been washed he could hardly tell he had been crying at all. The only real problem was it seemed that Yumichika was prone to mood swings and that newspaper was never very far away.

"Now Yamada, if you remember one thing about styling your hair remember this; always keep it off your face," instructed Yumichika.

"Oh, because grease and oil will rub off onto your skin and become trapped in the pours eventually causing blackheads and pimples?" asked Hanatarou.

"No…" said Yumichika, who had never really thought of it that way, and brushed his hair away from his face, "Well, yes, but if your hair falls over your face it looks like your hiding behind it, and that makes you look a lot less confident."

"Okay, but isn't it a bit wrong to judge someone by appearance?" asked Hanatarou.

"Ha, only shallow people do not judge by appearances," laughed Yumichika. He set down the brush and was just running his fingers through the hair. It was really nice hair, not as nice as his own's mind you, but it was still nice. Yumichika parted it down the middle and mindlessly began to play with it.

"I've been meaning to ask," said Hanatarou raising his hand, "Why me?"

"You were there, literally," said Yumichika, "In retrospect, I'm glad it was you."

Then Yumichika had a montage of horrible mental images of himself trying to fix up Zaraki, Renji and Hisagi. He shuddered at the thought and continued to play with Hanatarou's hair. Then without thinking much about it, Yumichika leaned forward and inadvertently sniffed Hanatarou's hair.

"A-ayasegawa-san, are you…smelling me?" asked Hanatarou nervously.

"Of course," the other responded shamelessly, "It's not enough to look good, you have to smell nice too. I'm just trying to think of a scent for you."

"Ayasegawa-san, do you have a hair fetish?" asked Hanatarou innocently.

THWACK!

"Who taught you a dirty word like that!" exclaimed Yumichika, flushing.

"It's not dirty. Fetish is a word meaning an object believed to have magical powers, or the object of unreasoning devotion/concern," recited Hanatarou.

"Where did you learn all this stuff," asked Yumichika warily.

"I am a doctor after all, and I do read a lot," explained Hanatarou.

"Crap, what do they do in squad four? Force their members to swallow dictionaries or something," grumbled Yumichika, "I take it you're a bookworm?"

"No, I don't have enough spare time to read as much I'd like…But I was just reading a fascinating book about cerebral meningitis!" chirped Hanatarou.

Yumichika stared blankly at the boy who had turned around and smiled innocently at him. Surely the words 'cerebral meningitis' had not passed his young, innocent and slightly naïve lips. More over, surely his innocent delicate flower had not referred to a something like that as 'fascinating.'

"I think we need to work on your vocabulary," said Yumichika, putting away the brush, "Medicine is good and all, but it's not very cute."

"But saving lives is more important than looks," protested Hanatarou.

Yumichika let out another high pitched 'squeeeee' and hug/tackled Hanatarou to the ground. He held the boy in a death grip he passed off as a hug and cuddled him. "That's what I'm talking about! Cheesy sentimental tripe like that is so CUTE!"

Hanatarou tried to reply, but all that came out were choking splutters, since Yumichika's 'hug' was currently obstructing his respiratory system. If he could talk, he might have said something like, 'Ayasegawa-san, you're choking me' or, 'Help, this bipolar man(?) is cuddling me to death.' Either way Yumichika glomped Hanatarou until the poor boy was blue in the face.

Once Yumichika had composed himself, he dug through his drawers and continued his lesson. "I don't think I can keep calling you 'Yamada.' What you need is a cute nickname…now what was your name, Hanako…no…Haruka…Haruno…"

"Hanatarou," mumbled the boy.

"Right!" said Yumichika, "Tarou is far too common, so we'll call you Hana-chan.'

"I thought my name was easy to remember…" sighed Hanatarou.

TWACK!

"It's so ordinary it's hard to remember!" said Yumichika rolling his eyes, "Anyhow, I found this thing, I never used it, but it was an extra I got at the store."

Hanatarou examined the silver tube with surgical precision. He had seen one like it before somewhere. He turned beet red when he suddenly remembered.

"A-ayasegawa-san, that's lipstick!" stuttered Hanatarou, "Ah, I c-can't wear that!"

"I just want to do a little scientific experiment with you. You like science don't you Hana-chan?" asked Yumichika, evilly uncapping the vibrant red lipstick, "Now, my hypothesis is that it will look very cute on you."

"P-please no," begged Hanatarou.

Yumichika simply smiled demonically as he closed in on his pupil/prey.

Just outside the house, Isane was about to knock on the door when she suddenly heard newspaper, evil giggles, and high pitched yelps. She sweat dropped as she heard the strangest dialogue coming from inside the house.

"COME ON! NOBODY WILL SEE YOU BUT ME!"

"K-KYA! BUT, I DON'T WANT TO!"

TWACK!

"THAT'S IRRELEVANT!"

Finally Isane had enough and barged in through the unlocked door. She burst into the bedroom and found Yumichika, pinning someone small and helpless to the floor and applying a layer of the most florescent red lipstick to said captive that she had ever seen.

"You'd never be taken seriously if you wore it outside, but it's so adorable!" cooed Yumichika, "Now with a little blush, eye liner and mascara, you'll be a knock-out!"

"B-but, I don't want-"

TWACK!

"That's irrelevant Hana-chan."

Isane stood in the door way, rooted to the spot in absolute horror as Yumichika chased Hanatarou around with various beauty products. Finally she gathered the courage to speak up, unfortunately for Hanatarou, it was too little too late.

"Ayasegawa Yumichika! What is the meaning of this!" cried Isane.

"Just experimenting," he said all smiles, "Hana-chan looks so pretty don't you think?"

Isane flushed hard at the sight of her subordinate pinned to the floor, wearing strange clothes and gaudy make up. The horrible part was, Hanatarou did indeed look very, very pretty.

"I've come to take Yamada-kun back, by force if necessary," announced Isane as she regained her composure. She clutched the hilt of her zanpaku-to and glared menacingly at the narcissist.

"Come on, there are plenty of you squad four weaklings," sighed Yumichika, reaching for a much different weapon, "Can't you let him off for a few days?"

"He's our seventh seat officer," growled Isane, "He's highly skilled and quite irreplaceable I assure you."

"Kotetsu-san…" gasped Hanatarou.

"Sorry, but I'm afraid when my honour is at stake…well you know what they say. All's fair in love and bets with bald friends," chuckled Yumichika. He grabbed Hanatarou by his thin arm in a vice like grip, "I apologize in advance for this."

Yumichika then hurled Hanatarou directly at Isane. The girl attempted to catch her subordinate, but this only resulted in Hanatarou colliding full force into Isane. The two members of squad four tumbled through the bedroom door and back into the living room. Isane groaned as she tried to get up off of Hanatarou.

She stopped when she heard the clicking sound of Yumichika's weapon from four paragraphs ago.

"Say 'cheese' lieutenant," sang Yumichika, "You're on candid camera."

Isane gasped as she realized what an awkward position they were in, and how it was only made more awkward by the fact that Hanatarou's face had been so beautifully made over and he was dressed in strange clothes. The fact that she was lying on top of her fellow squad member was not exactly good either.

"Oh my lieutenant, I had no idea you had that sort of taste," said Yumichika as he clicked away with his camera.

"A-ayasegawa!" Isane yowled as she sprang to her feet and lunged for the camera.

"Now, now, let's just talk this out like adults," scolded Yumichika. Immediately Isane's height annoyed him. Sure he was used to other men being taller than him (he was only five foot five) but this woman completely dwarfed him! She might have even been taller than Ikkaku! That being said, he struggled a bit to keep the camera out of her longer reach, "So, you want Hana-chan back, but I need Hana-chan to stay here…However, if Hana-chan leaves, I'll get really board, so I might just get this film developed and show some people."

"You wouldn't dare!" snapped Isane, still grabbing at the camera.

"What would your captain think if she saw her trusted lieutenant taking advantage of poor Hana-chan?" asked Yumichika.

Both Isane and Hanatarou froze. Both blushed and decided that Yumichika was satan reincarnated, and slumped forward in defeat.

"Watch your posture Hana-chan," said Yumichika playfully, "Here, let me fix it for you."

Isane once again sweat dropped as she watched Yumichika and Hanatarou yell, then hit and squirm respectively.

"Ayasegawa-san, this really doesn't concern Kotetsu-san so, can you, not do this to her? Please," begged Hanatarou.

"I'm afraid not Hana-chan, so long as she's determined to take you back," sighed Yumichika.

"Captain Unohana would never believe you, even with a picture!" objected Isane.

"But would your sister? Or maybe Rangiku? Perhaps I'll have it published and we can take a poll on it," suggested Yumichika.

"Kotetsu-san, it's alright…could you please ask Ogidou–san to cover for me? He owes me since I covered for him a few weeks ago," said Hanatarou.

"Yamada-kun, you actually want to stay with him?" asked Isane in disbelief. She leaned in close and whispered, "Are you…into this sort of thing?"

"No! Nothing like that but, I don't want you to get in trouble because of me…" said Hanatarou shyly.

"Squeeeeeeeeeeee," cried Yumichika, sailing through the air and hug/tackling Hanatarou to the ground, "That was the cutest thing EVER!"

Isane watched as her subordinate was snuggled into submission. He looked up at her and gave a brave half smile to let Isane know he would be alright. Isane sighed, she wanted to get Hanatarou away from the deranged narcissist, but they would probably both die of embarrassment if those pictures ever got out. It was really the last thing any of them needed.

"Three days, including the festival," sighed Isane, "We'll try to get by without you Yamada-san."

Isane gave Hanatarou one last pitying glance before giving another sigh and left. She wondered what exactly she would tell Captain Unohana. Surely she couldn't tell her how a fifth seat officer had blackmailed her with scandalous pictures of her and her subordinate. This was turning out to be worse than one of her ridiculous nightmares. Perhaps she could just say that Hanatarou had the flu or fifth disease or the ever incurable common cold. Of course Isane could never lie to her gentle, understanding Captain, but it was so embarrassing…

It seemed no matter what she would have to face some kind of inner torment.

"Well she's gone," chirped the happy narcissist, "I think I'll make dinner, something low in carbs!"

"Ayasegawa-san," said Hanatarou quietly, "What you did to Kotetsu-san…It wasn't nice."

"Yeah and?" asked Yumichika, going into the kitchen, "She shouldn't have barged in."

"You should…I want you to apologize to her," said Hanatarou with timid conviction.

"Pigtails," replied the other man digging in a cupboard.

"Huh?" asked the boy.

"I'll apologize when I see her, if you let me put your hair in little pigtails," elaborated Yumichika.

Hanatarou paused and thought it over. He sighed and replied, "Okay…"

Yumichika smiled, "Well Hana-chan must really like this girl hm?

"N-no! I just- We're not like- I'm not-" Hanatarou spluttered.

Yumichika put his finger over Hanatarou's bright red lips and smiled. "Just joking Hana-chan, but I really want to try pigtails on you. Now, fill that measuring cup with water and I'll get the rice."

"And so, that's how Yamada-kun got fifth disease!" finished Isane, laughing nervously.

Harunobu, Yasochika, and Unohana stared at Isane in absolute shock. An awkward silence settled in and found itself quite at home with the slightly disturbed members of squad four.

"So, uh, Ogidou-san, if it's not too much trouble…" continued Isane.

"Uh, yeah, I owe him for a vacation I took a while ago. It's not a problem," said Harunobu. He gave Isane one last quizzical glance before excusing himself.

"Ha, typical Yamada. Getting sick at a time like this," grumbled Yasochika, fiddling with his glasses.

"It's not his fault!" said Isane blushing at the real reason Hanatarou was not present, "And I won't have you speak ill of Yamada-kun anymore!"

Yasochika huffed and turned on his heel. He sensed something wrong with Isane, but paid it no mind. Instead he concentrated on the most recent headache the clumsy seventh seat had managed to provide him with.

Isane turned to leave as well but was stopped by Unohana's gentle voice.

"Kotetsu-chan, you and I both know Yamada-kun is not ill."

Isane turned around choking back tears, "I didn't want to lie but its-"

"I know, it's all right if you don't want to tell. But is Yamada-kun well? Ayasegawa-san isn't hurting him is he?" asked Unohana.

"Uh…" Isane mumbled, not sure where to begin.

"Kotetsu-chan, what you say here is strictly between you and me," said Unohana gently, "I just want to make sure Yamada-kun is safe."

"Well, um, Ayasegawa was verbally harassing him a bit…and he hit him with a rolled up newspaper…not hard enough to cause welts though! And he was…he was…" Isane trailed of and mumbled something undecipherable.

"A little louder please Kotetsu-chan," pressed Unohana.

"He was…dressing him up in weird clothes and putting makeup on him!" Isane blurted out, "And then he pushed him and we fell and I landed on top of him and that menace had a camera and he took a bunch of pictures then he tried to blackmail me and Yamada-san stayed behind so he wouldn't publish the pictures and take a poll in a magazine and-"

Unohana held up her hand, signaling Isane to stop. She took a minute to absorb all of this information. Then Isane saw a smile creep its way onto her captain's face. "So he's…playing dress-up with Yamada-kun. It sounds innocent enough."

"Captain! Ayasegawa is Satan reincarnated! We have to do something!" insisted Isane.

"No, I think this experience will do the both of them good, so long as Yamada-kun isn't in any life threatening danger," said Unohana.

"Captain, you aren't serious," laughed Isane nervously, "Are you?"

"Opposites can be good for each other," smiled Unohana, "Perhaps Yamada-kun can learn how to assert himself and gain self worth through Ayasegawa-san, and Ayasegawa-san can learn understanding and empathy from Yamada-kun. Don't you think Isane?"

"For Yamada-kun's sake Captain, I hope you're right," sighed Isane.

Unohana gazed listlessly into the fading sun, "I wonder if he'll dress up Yamada-kun like a nurse. That might be cute, don't you think?"


	7. Being an Accesory

Chapter Six: Being an Accessory

Dinner had passed uneventfully for Yumichika and his pupil/prisoner, save a few newspaper related injuries and some minor burns. Thankfully, kidnapping a medic proved to have some perks, and none of the injuries were a problem. Yumichika had finished first. Ever since leaving Rukongai, he had never broken the awful habit of eating very quickly, since someone was very likely to swipe food right out from under your nose. Hanatarou on the other hand was slow and cautious, being prone to clumsy movements and sudden twitches in his hand.

"Sheesh, you're so clumsy," Yumichika muttered to nobody in particular.

He had to admit, he did like the short pigtails he had put into the boy's hair. He did look much more like a girl now, but that was fine. Yumichika would be the only one to see this anyhow.

"I'm sorry," apologized Hanatarou, "I've…always been a klutz."

"I'd believe it," said Yumichika rolling his eyes rather unbeautifully, "Never mind, just eat up. It'll get all cold if we keep this up. Besides, clumsiness sort of works well for your type."

None the less, Yumichika was irked to discover that Hanatarou was a very slow eater. Dinner with just himself and Ikkaku took about two and a half minutes, tops, if they took time to taste and comment on the food. Hanatarou was going on six minutes, and he only halfway done.

"Could you possibly get any slower?" grumbled Yumichika.

"But, if you eat fast you could choke on something," replied Hanatarou, "It's also better for the digestive system and-"

"Hana-chan, enough health stuff," said Yumichika rubbing his temples, "I'm going to hazard trusting you with dishes while I set up your bed."

"Um, Ayasegawa-san, if I'm going to stay here for a few days, than I might need some things," said Hanatarou.

"High maintenance little bugger aren't you," Yumichika mumbled to himself, "What stuff exactly do you need."

"Um, just some extra clothes, my tooth brush and energy pills," explained the boy, "And maybe that book, if it's not too much trouble."

Yumichika sighed. That would mean he would have to go to the fourth squad barracks. He could have entrusted the task to Yachiru, but the lieutenant was far too easily distracted to be sent on errands. Perhaps he would convince Ikkaku to go do it for him.

"Fine, just finish that food before its stone cold!" ordered Yumichika.

He went to the bedroom closet and pulled out an extra futon. Yumichika always kept it there for nights that he and Ikkaku went out drinking. If Ikkaku got drunk and the narcissist did not feel like going to the unsightly barracks where his bald friend lived, he would just let his friend sleep it off at his house. That being said, it did smell slightly of old sake, but it would be fine for now. Yumichika also had an extra blanket for such occasions.

Once the bed was set up, Yumichika went back to the kitchen and found Hanatarou standing at the sink, wearing an apron, and scrubbing the dishes. It was a very cute look for him, just like a little housewife from the fifty's in the human world.

"Alright Hana-chan, let's get you ready for bed," said Yumichika.

Hanatarou looked up from the sink with his trademark befuddled expression on his face, "It's a little early, don't you think?"

THWACK!

"Remember the part where you are not to question my authority?" reminded Yumichika, "We've got a lot to do, alright? First off, you need another bath."

"But, Ayasegawa-san, two baths in one day isn't exactly environmentally friendly," protested Hanatarou.

THWACK!

"Well Captain Planet, I suggest you preach your cult to somebody else, because under this roof, the environment comes second to beauty," explained the newspaper wielding shinigami.

With that said, Yumichika repeated the Haruhi Suzumiya-esk scene from chapter one, undressing Hanatarou, scrubbing him down, and throwing him into the tub. The only difference was, this time Yumichika joined him.

"A-ayasegawa-san! Why are you-" Hanatarou began.

"We use less water if we bathe together," explained Yumichika.

"B-but, d-didn't you just say…" asked an embarrassed and befuddled Hanatarou.

"This isn't about the environment, it's about my water and gas bills," snapped Yumichika, "I'm trying not to increase the amounts I usually use."

Yumichika had no qualms stretching out and enjoying the hot water. He had been to public onsen before, used the changing room showers at the academy, so having someone else in the room while he was bathing wasn't really something new. Hanatarou on the other hand remained curled up in a little ball at the far end of the tub, as far away from the other man as he could possibly get. From time to time he would look up from behind his knees, hugged tightly to his chest, blush crimson, and look back down again.

"How on earth did you pass anatomy class…" mumbled Yumichika, mildly amused, "And kendo, hand to hand combat, gym, and practical exams for that matter."

"I…usually took showers at night…" said Hanatarou softly.

Yumichika sighed. He could just imagine the small boy sneaking out at night to the showers. He definitely looked like the type who would be subject to being towel whipped, sprayed with strong deodorant, shower hockey, and all the other wonderful things teenagers did in change rooms.

"You need to be more assertive, and a whole lot less shy," said Yumichika, "And that position isn't very pretty."

"It's not that I'm shy! I just don't like…this sort of thing…" said the boy trailing off.

"Oh, you're into that 'modesty' thing," scoffed Yumichika, "News flash Hana-chan, its dead. Have you never seen Rangiku? That's proof enough that poor modesty isn't among the living any more. So just let loose already."

"I'd rather stay like this," insisted Hanatarou.

WHACK!

"I insist otherwise!"

"Ayasegawa-san! Let go of me!"

"It's nothing I haven't seen before!"

"I didn't want you to see me then, and I don't want you to see me now!"

WHACK!

"Come on Hana-chan, it's for your own good!"

"No! I don't want to!"

"Wai!~ Feathers' having a pool party!"

Suddenly, through the vent a streak of pink sailed through the air and cannon-balled into the tub. Yumichika looked up from his fruitless battle with Hanatarou to find Lieutenant Yachiru splashing in his tub, wearing a pink bathing suit.

"Oh, hello lieutenant," said Yumichika.

"K-kya!" squeaked Hanatarou, and before Yumichika could grab him, he leaped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around himself.

"Why's Drooly-chan running away?" asked Yachiru, very disappointed.

"Drooly?" asked Yumichika, wrinkling his nose.

"Ayasegawa-san! Why are you- She's a- This is-"

Yumichika sighed, "Relax Hana-chan, she pops in every now and then. Trust me, she's like a bad case of roaches, once she gets into your house, you'll never get rid of her."

"But she's a girl!" squeaked Hanatarou.

"What's Drooly-chan got against girls," huffed Yachiru.

"What? I don't mind and neither does she," shrugged Yumichika, "Now why does she call you drooly?"

"Sometimes he drools in his sleep," Yachiru whispered into her subordinates ear.

"Sheesh Hana-chan, that's really unattractive!" scolded Yumichika.

Hanatarou wasn't listening though. Instead he was crouched in a corner rocking back in forth due to the high levels of wrongness in the room. Yachiru and Yumichika paid him no mind, dismissing it as a squad four thing. In the mean time, seeing Yachiru had brought up a topic that Yumichika had forgotten.

"Hana-chan, how do you make a scary person less scary?" mused Yumichika.

"Wrong…on…so…many…levels…" moaned Hanatarou as he continued to rock back and forth.

The newspaper was promptly thrown across the room, and hit Hanatarou squarely in the side of the head. Yachiru cheered and praised Yumichika's aim as the flustered boy snapped out of his stupor.

"Pay attention! Take Captain Zaraki. He is easily the scariest looking person in seiretei, but he isn't. Why? Because he has cute little Yachiru hanging off his shoulder!" explained Yumichika, "Almost like an accessory, you know?"

"Ken-chan isn't scary," protested Yachiru, splashing about, "Not to me anyways."

"Also the scary member of the duo is like an object of contrast, making the cute one look twice as cute. This all in all boosts both of their cuteness stats," continued the self absorbed teacher, "Now for you…Renji already has that fanboy…so maybe 69, or dogface, or maybe Captain Kuchiki…"

That. That did snap Hanatarou out of his stupor.

"Nonononononononononono!" he squeaked, jumping to his feet, but keeping himself covered with the large towel.

Yumichika blinked in surprise. He had seen the boy scared, but nothing the narcissist had done made him reach this level of terror.

"Is Drooly scared of Byakun? Byakun isn't scary at all," pondered Yachiru aloud.

"C-captain Kuchiki, nearly killed me once," said Hanatarou, composing himself, and crouching in his corner again, "He's so unreadable…Those blank eyes…He terrifies me."

Yumichika had heard that some people had silly phobias, but this one certainly took the cake. Sure Bykuya Kuchiki was a little intimidating when he was in a bad mood, but Byakuya was beautiful. Thus using Yumichika's faulty line of reasoning, Byakuya was not frightening because frightening things are ugly, and since Byakuya was not ugly, he was not frightening.

Using Hanatarou's line of logic mixed with learned caution and paranoia, it made perfect sense that Byakuya was scary. All too often had he read about beautiful flowers that produced deadly poison, or treated people who had ingested some kind of food that looked good, but turned out not to be. Even now he firmly believed that beautiful things could be the most horrifying of all.

Yachiru on the other hand simply wondered when snack time was.

"Feathers, do you have any snacks?" asked Yachiru.

Yumichika rolled his eyes. As if he could not have seen that question coming. "Hana-chan, get dressed and take Yachiru to the kitchen."

Hanatrou nodded and picked up the kimono top he had been wearing. The other clothes were fine, but they would not have been very comfy as pajamas. Yumichika watched, amused, as the boy dressed himself without anyone seeing him. He was actually quite good at it too…and than it happened.

"Drooly! Get dressed faster!" commanded Yachiru, who was missing out on valuable snacking time.

"Um, right…" said Hanatarou.

"Faster!" yelled Yachiru, who took it upon herself to yank the towel away. She smiled and cheered, "Faster faster faster!"

"Gah!" yelped Hanatarou, fighting to get his clothes on.

"Faster faster!" laughed Yachiru, jumping on Hanatarou's half exposed back.

This caused Hanatarou to slip and slide on the wet bathroom floor, much to his horror and Yachiru's delight. Yumichika watched, stifling howls of laughter, before Hanatarou, finally fully dressed, flopped onto his face.

"Yay! That was fun! Let's go get snacks now okay?" chirped Yachiru.

"While you do that Hana-chan, pay close attention to the lieutenant. You could learn a thing or two about cuteness from her," suggested Yumichika., "Maybe I'll join you."

Yumichika climbed out of the tub, causing Hanatarou to squeak and cover Yachiru's young eyes.

"Ah! Lieutenant! Let's go now!" yelped Hanatarou, dashing out of the room with the lieutenant.

"Haha, Drooly's all red!"

Yumichika smirked to himself. In a sick sadistic sort of way it was fun making Hanatarou squeak and blush like that. It certainly would have been fun to stick the jumpy seventh seat together with the stoic captain of squad six. He could imagine Hanatarou shaking shyly, and Byakuya petting his short black hair reassuringly. They would have made a cute, interesting pair to watch. The more he thought about it, the more Yumichika was sure Hanatarou was Byakuya's perfect accessory.

Perhaps he would break the boy's fear. Not permanently, but maybe just long enough to take some pretty pictures.


	8. Don't let the Lieutenant Bite

_Okay, I'm real sorry for the long wait. I haven't had the muse for this story, but I am trying to write new chapters. I'm just not feeling it and I can't think of anything to write. I'll keep trying, and if anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. No seriously. I really would like some suggestions!_

* * *

Chapter Seven: Don't let the Lieutenant Bite

Yumichika emerged from the bathroom in his white night-kimono (to Hanatarou's relief) and found the two younger shinigami in the kitchen. Somehow Yachiru had gotten into her sleepwear. The older shinigami had long since stopped questioning how the lieutenant did these sorts of things, and simply decided that she was fourth dimensional. She was also trying to shove a chocolate biscuit past Hanatarou's lips.

"Eat it Drooly! It's real good!" Yachiru insisted.

"Dersh aleddy shree im mah moush!" Hanatarou tried to explain through no fewer than three biscuits.

"Lots of chocolates for you to eat~" sang the psycho little girl.

"Yachiru, why aren't you with Captain Zaraki?" asked Yumichika.

Yachiru sighed, "Ken-chan drank too much and passed out. I got bored with drawing on his face…so I came here! I'm gonna sleep over with you guys!"

As Yumichika processed this and wondered how many kegs Kenpachi had downed, Hanatarou took this opportunity to quickly swallow what had been shoved in his mouth. Yachiru grinned and finished off the box, which had until recently been full.

"I suppose it's pointless. If I say no, you'll just break in," mumbled Yumichika, "The problem is, there are three of us, and two beds."

"Fight ya for it!" suggested Yachiru, grinning at Hanatarou.

"Um, no?" suggested Hanatarou.

"You're no fun," pouted Yachiru.

"Well, Yachiru should have a bed to herself, due to the fact that she bites in her sleep," declared Yumichika. He had learned this after a few terrible experiences when he used to live in the eleventh division's barracks. "So, you're with me Hana-chan. And if you drool on me or my clothes, I'll kill you, okay?"

Hanatarou stood trembling as Yachiru cheered. The pink haired girl skipped away, singing something about getting the mat that smelled like drunk bald breath. The small black haired boy was a little relieved that he would not be sleeping with a girl (let alone a girl who bites) but the idea of sharing a bed with Yumicika was not exactly appealing either.

The situation was just a strange one. If he had run into the fifth and third seats of squad eleven on any other day, they would probably have ignored him or maybe tossed him in the dumpster along with the trash. That was how things were, that was how they were supposed to be. In a matter of hours, Ayasegawa Yumichika had destroyed the laws of the universe regarding relationships between fourth and eleventh divisions. Everything Hanatarou ever knew about eleventh and fourth relations seemed to have been flushed down the toilet of fate.

"Hana-chan, get your skinny butt into bed!" yelled Yumichika.

Well…maybe not all the laws of the universe.

Yachiru, whose belly was full, fell into a contented sleep. Yumichika was waiting for Hanatarou to get in bed so he could douse the light, but the boy had been standing there in a bit of a daze before settling in under the blankets.

Yumichika climbed in bed next to his student. Immediately he felt Hanatarou shift, to distance them a little bit. Yumichika rolled his eyes and pulled the medic in closer to him.

"Oh no, if you move farther away, we'll both get cold," snapped Yumichika, "And I for one am not going to risk getting a runny nose or cough before the festival because of a stupid night chill!"

"But it's awkward…" mumbled Hanatarou.

Yumichika grinned devilishly in the darkness. He pulled Hanatarou closer into an embrace and breathed in the scent of his hair. Long, elegant fingers simultaneously played along the boy's sensitive neck as he gently whispered into the young shinigami's ear, "Don't worry Hana-chan, I'm capable of gentlene-"

Hanatarou squeaked and bolted across the room. Yumichika laughed, "That Hana-chan, is what true awkwardness is. Now get in bed, we don't want to wake the lieutenant."

"That was cruel and unusual!" Hanatarou whispered hoarsely.

"You have no idea of how cruel I can be," smiled Yumichika, "Come on, we need our sleep. Do you want me to grab the paper? I'll throw it at you."

Hanatarou whimpered and decided to get in bed on his own, rather than collect bruises from the fifth seat.

"I'll keep my back to you, and I promise not to do that again," swore Yumichika quietly, easing his back against Hanatarou's, "Though that was kind of funny." Yumichika yawned before continuing, "You're so naïve. It's cute."

"Why do you keep doing these things to me?" whimpered Hanatarou.

"Because," yawned Yumichika, "I'm a sadist."

For a while, the two lay silently together, but soon enough, the darkness of sleep spirited them both away to dreams and nightmares.

That night, Yumichika suffered from a 'horrible nightmare.' In the dream, he had an afro, and he wound up having to shave it off. Then for some reason, his feet felt wet. Wet feet are terrible, and being bald and wet was too much for Yumichika to handle. So he did the sane thing and woke up.

Yumichika bolted up and snatched his newspaper, then promptly smacked Hanatarou over the head.

"Hana you creep! I told you not to drool!" hissed Yumichika.

"It's not me!" said Hanatarou fretfully.

Yumichika swore violently, causing Hanatarou to gasp. The fifth seat lifted the blankets to find Yachiru, fast asleep, chewing on the ends of their night clothes.

"I'll hold her mouth open, you pull us loose," ordered Yumichika in a rough voice.

Within moments the two were free. Yumichika put Yachiru back to bed, and the two settled back in together. Unfortunately cycles had a very, very bad habit of repeating themselves, and this one was no exception to the rule. The two would fall asleep, wake up, pry clothes, blankets and body parts out of Yachiru's mouth, put her to bed and go to sleep. But no matter what they did, the little pink lieutenant would climb back in their bed and start teething something, or someone. They had even tried tying her up, but she gnawed through the ropes.

"She's worse than bedbugs…" grumbled Yumichika. He had slight dark rings under his eyes from hours of missed beauty sleep.

"Hn," Hanatarou nodded. A slight grunt was all he could really produce in his sleep deprived state. His head bobbed up and down as he drifted in and out of sleep. Eventually his head flopped to one side onto Yumichika's shoulder.

"No! Get off Hana! One drooly brat is enough!" he snapped, trying to shove Hanatarou off of him.

Hanatarou was not listening. He was completely exhausted and had simply passed out. Yumichika shoved him roughly causing the boy to wake again.

"I'm sorry…" he groaned sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

Yumichika got up, wobbling slightly on tired legs and went to the window. The sun was coming up, meaning there was no point in going back to bed to try to catch meaningless seconds of sleep.

"Alright Hana, time to get up," the fifth seat yawned.

"But 'm tired…" Hanatarou groaned in reply.

Yumichika thought of bludgeoning him with his now infamous newspaper barrage, but he had a better idea. He walked quietly over to the bed and gently lifted him up. The half asleep boy subconsciously snuggled into the narcissist's chest seeking warmth. He made a few cute little contented noises that people make when they are half awake. Yumichika smiled fiendishly, the sight of the adorable sleeping boy in his arms almost made him feel bad for what he was about to do. Almost.

Yumichika opened the bathroom door and quietly walked inside. He didn't turn the lights on, not wanting to spoil his own fun. He laid Hanatarou gently into the bathtub and pulled the shower curtain closed. Finally he gripped the cold water tap.

"I said time so get up," repeated Yumichika, turning on a stream of ice cold water.

"KYAAAAAAAAAA!" came the shocked reply.

Yumichika turned off the faucet and his prisoner yanked the shower curtain open. The sadistic shinigami had to bite his tongue to stifle his laughter. The boy truly looked like a drenched kitten.

"Ayasegawa-san!" he protested, now wide awake, "That was cruel!"

"I know, isn't it wonderful?" smiled Yumichika despite his aggravated tone, "That one over there turns on hot water. If you do a good job washing yourself, I'll let you take showers on your own."

Hanatarou shot him what looked like it might have been a dirty look. The result was only a comical wrinkling of his nose and a slight pout. The fifth seat sighed, some people just did not have a face for certain expressions.

"And if you don't wipe that look off your face right now, I'll shave your legs," threatened Yumichika.

Hanatarou squeaked and closed the shower curtain. Yumichika smiled, his work here was done, but now he was seriously thinking shaving the boy's legs might be a good idea. He emerged to find the lieutenant wide awake, looking up at him with large, refreshed, fully rested and alert eyes.

"What's for breakfast Feathers?" she chirped.

Yumichika bit back the urge to yell 'you' and boil the lieutenant to death. Instead he stretched and yawned, "I dunno, eggs maybe?"

The lieutenant squealed with delight and scampered off to the kitchen. Yumichika went to his bedroom and looked in the mirror. He was a wreck. At least three hairs were out of place, his eyes were dark and his skin had lost its glow. He felt like crying over it, but if the lieutenant missed breakfast, he might find himself missing a limb.

Day Two had seemed to have gotten off to a very unsightly start.


	9. Walk like a mansort of

_Happy Easter everyone! Here's an update for you. It's an uorthodox way to celebrate the birth of my saviour but...meh. I'm sure he understands. And now here's something from Yumichika. _

_*Enter Hanatarou in a pink fluffy bunny costume*_

Hanatarou: Um...H-happy Easter!

WHACK!

Yumichika: With more feeling!

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Chapter Eight: Walk like a man…sort of….

Ikkaku pounded on the door to Yumichika's house, waiting for him long time friend to open up. He had been standing outside for about a quarter of an hour waiting for someone to answer the door. The bald man could only hope his friend was not being to rough with his delicate captive. He had left after Yumichika had made the poor boy cry, and he had felt bad for it.

Ikkaku banged on the door again, but to his surprise, it was answered by the lieutenant of squad eleven. Ikkaku blinked in surprise and stared down at her.

"Feathers says 'stop that racket,'" reported Yachiru, and slammed the door shut.

"Hey!" shouted Ikkaku, prying the door open, "Why'd ya do that you brat!"

"Wai~ Baldy's mad!" cheered Yachiru.

Ikkaku rolled his eyes and found Yumichika and Hanatarou both slumped over the kitchen table, looking more dead than alive. The third seat knew full well that these were signs of a sleep over with the pink haired menace.

"Good morning," said Ikkaku.

"Nothing good about it," snarled Yumichika, "Now get me coffee, or leave."

"Good morning Madarame-san," replied Hanatarou, forcing a smile and rubbing his eyes.

Ikkaku poured Yumichika a cup of his crappy coffee. The fifth seat still had not mastered the art of brewing coffee, despite an intense amount of research he had done on the subject. It tasted bad, but the caffeine combined with a strikingly awful taste could wake the dead in the morning.

"You slept well I see," Ikkaku teased, handing his friend the coffee with a smirk.

Yumichika didn't reply. He snatched the coffee with viper-like reflex and speed then took a sip. Almost immediately he spat it out.

"Hana. Shoe size. Now!" barked the sleep deprived shinigami.

"Um…seven I think," shrugged Hanatarou.

WHACK!

"Itai…" whined the boy.

Yumichika stalked off with his disgusting coffee, mumbling about idiots who could not remember their own shoe size. He yowled for the lieutenant who skipped after him, finding the medusa-like narcissus amusing.

"You okay kid?" asked Ikkaku, seating himself in front of Hanatarou, "You look awful."

"Sorry, I didn't get much sleep," said Hanatarou pleasantly.

"Cut the act, I can tell you're miserable," said Ikkaku, picking at the food Yumichika had abandoned when he left.

Hanatarou frowned and looked away, "I'm tired, I ache all over, and I want to go home."

Ikkaku sighed, "Sorry I got you into this kid."

"It's not your fault," Hanatarou sighed, "By the way, I didn't get a chance to wash your handkerchief yet, but I will get it cleaned."

Ikkaku stared at the boy in disbelief. Here he was, tormented and half broken, and he was worrying about a little piece of cloth instead of the state he was in. Ikkaku wanted to grab the boy by the shoulders, give him a good shake, and tell him what an idiot he was. So, he did.

"You idiot! You're supposed to say 'thanks for nothing jerk' and spit at me or something! You're not supposed to apologize to me when I ruined your life!" yelled Ikkaku, shaking the poor boy.

"Madarame-san! My neck is going to snap!" yelped Hanatarou.

"Tch, don't worry about it," shrugged Ikkaku, calming down a little, "You might as well keep it."

"T-thank you…" stammered Hanatarou with shocked blue eyes as he nursed the back of his neck.

"Huh? What's with you? It's just a piece of cloth," chided the bald man.

"W-well, I'm from squad four and…that's the first time anyone from squad eleven ever did something nice for me," breathed the little shinigami, still in awe.

"It's only a hanky," repeated Ikkaku, "So, uh, why exactly are you wearing a bathrobe?"

"Oh, well, my only clothes are still dirty," chuckled Hanatarou in an embarrassed tone, "Its way too big, I must look pretty silly."

"I won't lie, you're absolutely ridiculous," smirked Ikkaku, but not unkindly, "You've been an awful good sport about all this. Yumi could try a rock's patience."

"He certainly is…er…spirited," said Hanatarou searching for a word that was not an insult.

Then a very angry sleep deprived Yumichika cut the little conversation short and slammed a pair of high heeled shoes in front of Hanatarou. He grabbed the boy by the collar and glared cold, sharp daggers at him.

"You will put those on, you will walk around until you can do so without falling over. I do not care if you get sore ankles or blisters. Touch anything, or leave this house and I will personally chop you into bite size pieces," snarled Yumichika, "Are we clear?"

"T-transparent," choked Hanatarou.

"Where did you get…" asked Ikkaku hesitantly.

"For candy, the lieutenant has her ways," growled Yumichika, "Now let's get this over with. I can't stand going out looking so hideous."

'So that's what's bothering him,' thought Ikkaku rolling his eyes. He decided that Hanatarou deserved canonization for putting up with Yumichika. Hanatarou faked a smiled and waved goodbye as the eleventh divisioners exited.

Yachiru used shunpo to race ahead of the two, but Yumichika insisted he was too tired to use the technique. He stormed out of the house as Ikkaku waved goodbye to Hanatarou.

"You're too rough with him," scolded Ikkaku, "He's not like us."

"Hm?" grunted Yumichika, rather unbeautifully.

"He's squad four Yumi, he's not that strong. He'll break if you keep pushing him like that," warned Ikkaku.

"Hold that thought," said Yumichika, watching Hisagi round a corner, "Wait here."

Ikkaku watched, very confused as Yumichika stealthily crept around the corner Hisagi had rounded. He was even more confused when he saw glowing lights and heard a scream. The next thing the bald man knew, Yumichika was skipping happily out of the ally, looking completely rejuvenated. There was a song on his lips and a sparkle in his eye and he merrily skipped about.

"Y-yumi?" asked Ikkaku.

"Why hello!" replied Yumichika, bursting with energy, "Now let's get down to the training grounds. I feel like I can take on the world!"

Ikkaku could only stare as Yumichika skipped ahead in the most girly way imaginable. Whatever his friend had done, Ikkaku did not want to know.

Curiously enough, Hisagi did not show up to work that day, and was found hours later in a barrel, exhausted, cursing Yumichika and all who called him kin.

Hanatarou, after much fighting, managed to strap on the shoes. The ties were complex, but not half as bad as knitting tendons back together. He gripped the wall and rose shakily to his feet. He knew he would fall over. He could barely walk in normal shoes without tripping, which was probably why Yumichika wanted him to do this. Hesitantly, he let go of the wall.

Instantly Hanatarou wobbled and grabbed the wall again. How could he walk if he could barely stand? The sharp heels would probably catch on the tatami mats too. The whole exercise was physically impossible.

And yet, Hanatarou let go again. He wobbled, but he stood none the less. Immediately his ankles started to hurt, being unused to this new position. The boy stood despite this. He took a step and immediately fell. He got up again anyways. Hanatarou knew whatever he did, he would probably be beaten. He still gave this his every effort.

Pretty epic for just walking in heels.

Time and time again, he got up and fell over. He ached all over from his various falls, but he didn't stop. He managed to go five steps at a time without falling, when he decided that a break was in order. Hanatarou healed his sore knees, which had turned various shades of blue from his falls. Sitting down like that, he felt suddenly tired. He hadn't slept, and the healing was sapping most of his energy.

'Just a short nap,' Hanatarou told himself, 'Just five minutes, and I'll start over."

Minutes soon passed into hours, and Hanatarou slept there, in the middle of the room, in a bathrobe and a pair of heels.

* * *

_So, I'm thinking of doing the dancing idea! Thanks to the wonderful reviewer who suggested it. Now where's Shiro-chan..._


	10. More Treachery

Chapter Nine: More Treachery

"Hahaha! So this makes our score twelve hundred thousand nine hundred and twenty one to six hundred thousand and seventy three," Ikkaku laughed loudly. His daily fights with Yumichika always brought a smile to his face.

Yumichika walked along quietly behind him and nodded in reply. Then he went back to holding some ice up to the side of his now bruised face. "My odds of winning seem to be about one in three, so I'm sure I'll get you next time."

"Tch, it ain't odds that help you win, it's skill," grumbled Ikkaku, "How's your face?"

"Hm, a bit sore, but I've had worse, and the damage isn't permanent," said Yumichika in a doleful tone, "You're too rough with me Ikkaku, I'm very dainty!"

Ikkaku stared at Yumichika before giving another loud laugh, "Yumichika, you're almost as dainty as a mac truck!"

Yumichika glared at his friend for using such an ugly metaphor. Ikkaku stopped laughing and took the ice from the other shinigami and examined his face. "Heh, I got you good, but I suppose Hanatarou can fix you up."

"That's the only reason I haven't killed you yet," joked Yumichika, "And the fact that I'd probably fall into depression and kill myself if you died."

Ikkaku stared at Yumichika in shock for a moment, but the smaller man quickly changed the subject, "Anyways, I have to go check up on Hana-chan, but there's some stuff that I need to get. Would you mind?"

"Depends," replied Ikkaku, "What kind of stuff? 'Cause if its girly hair and face crap I ain't touching it."

"Oh just some of Hana-chan's things, and I...I don't want to walk around with this ugly bruise on my face," explained Yumichika, taking the ice back, "And I have all that paperwork that nobody but me will even touch so..."

"Feh, whatever. But if I do you have to cut the kid some slack," barganed Ikkaku.

"Deal, thanks Ikkaku," smiled Yumichika, with a rare, genuinely happy smile and shunpo-ed away.

Ikkaku shook his head. Yumichika was probably up to something, but what could he do? He could never say no to the pretty man when he looked so down trodden. Kids and Yumichika; those two things seemed to take his tough image and shred it to pieces. He scratched the back o his head and started his trek to the squad four infermery.

Hanatarou slept peacefully on the floor, his head nestled on top of his folded arms. A puddle of drool seemed to have accumulated under him, but he was too deep in his sleep to notice. He did however notice someone gently shaking him. Hanatarou moaned in dismay and covered the back of his head with one of his arms. The shaking continued, but Hanatarou did his best to ignore it. Finally he was hauled roughly to his feet and shook one hundred times more roughly.

"Wake up you stupid pansy medic!" yelled the familiar voice of a psychotic narcissist.

Hanatarou's eyes flew open, "Ah! A-ayasegawa-san! I'm sorry, i-it was only supposed to be a five minute nap! I swear! I...Ayasegawa-san! You're hurt..."

"Just a bruise, it can wait for a second," said Yumichika.

"No it can't!" snapped Hanatarou, "It looks so painful!"

"I iced it, so it should be fine, now how was-" began Yumichika.

"No! I want to heal it now Ayasegawa-san. It looks like it hurts so much, and I can't let that go. Please let me heal it now," pleaded the boy.

Yumichika looked down in surprise. The boy had certainly resisted in the past, but he had never seen him looking or acting so defiant. Before he knew it Hanatarou and pulled him down into a kneeling position and was pressing his green glowing fingers against his cheek. There was a warm buzz followed by a cool tingling suddenly there was a sharp popping sensation.

"Ouch!" cried Yumichika, more from surprise than pain.

"Ah, I'm sorry!" yelped Hanatarou, "I...I think there's a tiny fracture somewhere, just a second..."

In what seemed like no time, the pain was conpletely gone and Hanatarou removed his hand from Yumichika's cheek. The narcissist pulled out an hand mirror and inspected the medic's work. It was, in a word, flawless. The boy had done a perfect job.

"Ayasegawa-san, were you...walking around with that big bruise and a fractured cheekbone?" asked Hanatarou.

"Just for a little while, I had some papers fill out and something to deliver," explained Yumichika, "I hate being seen like that but, I needed to get this done."

Hanatarou stared at him in awe, "You can work like that? You must be pretty tough..."

"Of course I am!" replied Yumichika indignantly, "I'm the fifth seat of the eleventh division, I can't afford to be weak. Now, let's see you walk without the shoes."

Hanatarou looked at him slightly confused, but he took off the shoes anyways. He got up and stared walking around the room under Yumichika's watchful eye. For all of the strange things he had made him do, Hanatarou could not help but admire Yumichika's strength. He had always admired other strong shinigami and even envied them sometimes. Hanatarou walked around for a few minutes, still wondering what this was all about. Finally he was overcome with curiosity and asked, "So, what is the point of all this?"

"You can't tell? It was to improve your balance," said Yumichika, shrugging.

"My balance?" repeated the boy.

"Yep, you've been walking around for five minutes now, and you haven't tripped over your feet once. That's a new record right?" explained Yumichika.

"I...think it is," marveled Hanatarou, "And you haven't hit me for a few hours now, that's a new record too right?"

Yumichika huffed and crossed his arms, "I'm not hurtng you because I promised Ikkaku I wouldn't. That's all."

Hanatarou smiled, "Madarame-san is a very special person to you isn't he?"

Yumichika glared at him, "Are you implying something?"

"N-no! I just thought he must be someone very important and special to you," stuttered Hanatarou flailing his scrawny arms.

Just as it looked like Yumichika was going to lose it, there was a loud, dignified knock at the door. The narcissist immediatly perked up and practically flew to answer the door, Hanatarou followed, wondering if Ikkaku had returned. Yumichika happily pulled the door open and an expression of surprise immediately replaced the excited happy one.

"Kuchiki-Taicho?" the fifth seat half asked and half exclaimed as he barely remembered to salute.

"I believe I have something of yours," said Byakuya stoically. With that said he held up a small child dressed as some kind of shojo style cat girl by the scruff of her neck.

"Feathers!~ Bya-kun won't let me play kitty in his pond!~" whined Yachiru.

"Uh..." said Yumichika dumbly, at a complete loss for words as he took Yachiru from Byakuya. "Thanks?"

Byakuya turned on his heel and stalked off. Yumichika watched him round a corner before putting Yachiru down. "Okay Hana, he's gone, you can let go of me now."

Yachiru giggled as Hanatarou released Yumichika's waist from his trembling hands. The narcissist simply looked irritatedly at him while he smoothed the wrinkles Hanatarou had left on his once flawless uniform. "You really weren't kidding about that phobia were you?"

Hanatarou shook his head.

"Whatever, just don't touch me again. I'm going to have to iron this again," grumbled Yumichika, "So lieutenant, did you pick up that other thing I asked for?"

"Yep, I brought it here and then I went to Bya-kun's big house to play with his fishies!" chirped Yachiru.

"Where did you put it?" asked Yumichika.

"In the drawer thingy with all of your silly face goo!" replied the girl.

Yumichika grimmaced and went to retrieve his mystery object. Hanatarou took a minute to calm down. Why did he have to be such a cowardly, weak shinigami? He wanted to be stronger like Ichigo or Ganju, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never do anything right and he always got scared.

"Don't be sad Drooly, you can play with Bya-kun next time," soothed Yachiru. Her face got brighter as she had an idea, "Maybe Feathers can make you a kitty costume too! Then we can both be kitties and play with the fishies! I'll be the sister kitty and you can be the brother kitty and we'll catch lots and lots of fishies and eat candy!"

Then there was another knock at the door. Hanatarou immediatly froze. Was it Kuchiki-Taicho again? He swallowed hard as Yachiru all too eagerly opened the door. "Yay! It's Chibi Shiro-chan!"

"It's Hitsugaya-Taicho!" grumbled the chibi shiro-chan. He looked around confused, "Ayasegawa-san said he had a document that would be of some interest to me and...Yamada? What are you doing here and, why are you in a bathrobe?"

Hanatarou was about to answer when Yumichika pranced down the hall, "Ah, Hitsugaya-Taicho, just the man I wanted to see, please do come in! Just watch out for the drool."

The quartet gathered in Yumichika's sitting room, Hitsugaya looking suspiciously at the set of discarded high heels, as the fifth seat retrieved his white board. "Now children, today I'm going to teach you all about how do dance without maiming yourself or your partner-"

"Ayasegawa, the document?" demanded Hitsugaya.

"I'm getting to it," snapped Yumichika, "Now, since the lieutenant of the first division is organising the dance at the festival, there is bound to be a European style dance, specifically, some kind of waltz. Now the waltz is fairly easy and has a three four time signature so-"

"Ayasegawa I have other duties to attend to. If you don't have anything of value to show me or tell me I'm going to have to leave," said Hitsugaya firmly.

"Why Taicho, I just thought you could use some dance lessons," sighed Yumichika.

"I don't need to dance, why would I want to learn something so useless?" asked the white haired boy.

Yumichika smiled and pulled a little pink book out of his robes with the title "Property of Hinamori Momo". He opened it to a page that caught his interest and began reading, "Dear Diary, I dreamed of dancing with him again today. The Tanabata festival is approaching fast and my heart is fluttering with anticipation. I long to be held by him with the lights and music around us but I do not know if he would want to. He's never seemed interested in dancing and I don't know how he feels about me even though I desperately-"

"AYASEGAWA!" fumed Toshiro, his face and ears glowing red, "STOP READING MOMO'S DIARY RIGHT NOW!"

Yumichika closed the book with a smug smile, "Care for those dance lessons now?"

"No! I'm going to return Hinamori's diary!" yelled the tiny Taicho.

"Oh, that's too bad, seeing as she'll think the one who returns it read it. The poor girl will be heartbroken and a cloud of doubt will forever hang over your relationship," said Yumichika dramatically, "Now, I'll return the diary if you stay to help me with some dance lessons. It's really a win win situation for you Taicho."

Hitsugaya folded his arms over his chest and glared at Yumichika, "I'm staying...but only so you'll return the diary!"

"Of course, to help out a _friend_ right?" smile Yumichika in an evil fashion, "Now, I'll get the music and demonstrate with Hana-chan, and you can follow with Yachiru, then we'll switch so Hana can practice leading."

"If all you wanted was a partner for Yamada, why didn't you just have Yachiru do it?" complained Hitsugaya.

"Because you're less intimidating, more agreeable, and you don't bite," explained Yumichika turning on a cassette player, "Now come here Hana-chan, that's it. One hand in mine, the other on my shoulder."

Hitsugaya stared in dismay. Why him? Oh cruel fates, why, why him!?


	11. Teaching the Unteachable

Hello thar, long time no see. Due to trips to the hospital, anime cons, computer viruses, and delicious chiken, I have not updated in months. For that I apologize. No serously, FORGIVE MY LATENESS!!!! I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.....

* * *

Chapter Ten: Teaching the Unteachable

Ikkaku stared up at the large number four kanji above the entrance to the infirmary. It felt strange to be coming here when he was not unconscious, bleeding profusely or just going to harass some of the medics. He also wondered what he would do upon entering. Was he supposed to just walk in and ask for Hanatarou's things? Where did Hanatarou live anyways? Yumichika had not told him when he had asked him to pick up the kid's things. He stood at the door for a while trying to get over the weirdness and figure out what exactly he should be doing.

"Ah, Madarame-san, can I help you?" asked a woman who was standing behind him.

"Yeah just going to...to..." Ikkaku began as he turned around and immediately trailed off.

This had to be the tallest woman he had ever met! He was six feet tall and he had to look up slightly to meet her gaze. Ikkaku stood there gaping at the girl, completely stupefied.

"Going to what?" asked Isane, cocking her head to the side.

"Ah, just picking up some stuff for Hanatarou," said Ikkaku, regaining some composure.

Now it was Isane's turn to be shocked, "Yamada-kun!? How is he!? That demon hasn't killed him has he!?"

"Demon?" asked Ikkaku.

"Yes! That devil with an angel's face," cried Isane, "If I ever get a hold of him I'll...I'lll..."

Ikkaku once again stared in shock. Was the lieutenant of the pansy squad plotting revenge? Was that physically possible?

"Oh who am I kidding?" sighed Isane, "So Madarame-san, how is Yamada-kun?"

"Uh..." Ikkaku trailed off, his last memories of Hanatarou being the poor kid sobbing his heart out in the bathroom and stumbling around in a sleep deprived state, "He's alive, he ain't hurt, he's just, well, you know."

Isane sighed with relief, "So you need some of Yamada-kun's things for him? I'll get them for you if you like."

"Sure," shrugged Ikkaku. He would have probably gotten lost in the infirmary anyways. It was a well known fact that eleventh divisioners (particularly the captain and lieutenant) had terrible senses of direction.

"No! It's one two three not...whatever the crap you're doing!"

Yumichika was nearly pulling his flawless hair out with frustration. The boys (and pink haired menace) could not be taught. Hanatarou was completely incompetent when it came to leading, and following for that matter, Toshiro had two right feet, and Yachiru was...well he had not expected much from Yachiru in the first place actually. He took a deep breath, choked back a sob and looked up at the pandemonium caused by his students.

Yachiru was chewing on Hitsugaya's haori, Hitsugaya was in a strange sort of game of tug of war with Yachiru and Hanatarou had somehow wound up hanging from the ceiling fan, all set to classical waltz music. Yumichika cringed at the ugly scene and got to work getting Hanatarou off of the fan. Seriously, how did he get up there?

"I'm sorry Ayasegawa-san! Please don't hurt me!" begged Hanatarou.

"I already told you, I promised Ikkaku I wouldn't," snarled the fifth seat, in a pretty way of course. He then pried Yachiru off of Hitsugaya and forced them to opposite sides of the room. Now that his students were not inflicting bodily harm on each other, perhaps he could teach them.

"Alright...let's try this again," panted Yumichika, "Hana-chan, come here, right hand in mine, the other on my shoulder. I want you two to sit and watch without interacting with eachother in any way."

Yachiru raised her hand.

"Yes?" asked Yumichika, slightly annoyed.

"Can we have snacks while we watch?" asked the girl.

Yumichika sighed, "Why not?"

Yachiru cheered and rushed off to the kitchen where glorious food awaited her. Hitsugaya sat cross legged with a grumpy expression on his face. He forced himself to remember he was doing this to retrieve Hinamori's diary. For her sake he would endure this, er, whatever this was. Hanatarou shook like a little school girl as he hesitantly approached the psychotic fifth seat and even more hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder. He was shocked at first by how firm it was, but remembered multiple bludgeoning via newspaper and was no longer too surprised. Hanatarou squeaked as Yumichika gripped his waist and pulled him closer. "We have to move together. I can't do that if you keep distancing yourself," growled the pretty shinigami.

Hanatarou gulped and nodded. Yumichika began to mouth the beat count and they began. The dance made Hanatarou dizzy, there was just too much spinning involved. Before he knew it he was tripping over his feet again. Yumichika hauled him upright, "Balance Hana! Falling over is fine if your partner can catch you, but if you fall and you're dancing with Rukia-chan, your probably screwed."

The boy nodded again and concentrated on his foot work, and tried to be elegant like the fifth seat. He stepped lightly as he could and tried his hardest to keep his motions fluid despite slight trips. He watched his feet critically, only to have Yumichika roughly yank his face upward. "Never ever look at the floor, it makes everything look ugly! Always face your partner!"

Hanatarou struggled through the last bits of their dance. Not looking at his feet made no sense! How was he supposed to know where to put them if he could not see where they were going? He mumbled apologies as he stepped on Yumichika's foot for about the tenth time and sighed with relief as they broke appart. Yumichika stared at him, "Forgetting something?"

Hanatarou looked confusedly at him. How could he mess up dancing when they weren't dancing anymore?

"In western dances you have to bow to your partner when you begin and when you end. It's also a different bow from what we're used to. Watch first, then you try." instructed Yumichika.

Hanatarou grew even more befuddled when Yumichika showed him the strange way of bowing. He pointed his right foot out, his toes looking as if they barely touched the floor. His left arm went behind his back and his right hand touched his left breast. Once this was done he bent at the waist deeply so his forhead almost touched his knee Once the process was completed he rose and assumed his usual standing position. Hanatarou blinked in surprise before his brain registered that it was his turn to try. He pointed his leg as he had been shown and set his arms the same way Yumichika had. He bent over slightly, began to wobble and fell flat on his face.

"Well, let's just hope they don't make you bow western style..." sighed the narcissist.

"Do the girl's have to bow like that as well?" asked Hitsugaya, fearing the extremes his lieutenant might take this new bow to.

CRACK!

Splat is the sound of a ridged rolled up newspaper that had been dried after soaking in egg mix striking a captain in the face. Needless to say, Toshiro was not amused.

"Ayasegawa!" yelled the tiny taicho in a tone usually reserved for Rangiku.

"It's part of the lesson," lied Yumichika bluntly.

"What part of the lesson is that!" yelled Toshiro, ripping up the paper.

"Never drop your guard," shrugged Yumichika. Hanatarou had already deduced that Yumichika was simply looking for someone else to hit.

Toshiro was not convinced and exercised every ounce of restraint he had not to kill Yumichika. This was for Hinamori...this was for Hinamori...this was for...

"Alright, Hana, try leading Hitsugaya-Taicho," said Yumichika, rewinding his cassette.

"Remind me why he gets to lead," grumbled Toshiro.

"Because he's taller," replied Yumichika, still very bluntly, "The man always leads and the woman always follows. If the partners are the same gender, the taller one is the leader and the shorter one follows."

"Isn't that sexist?" asked Hanatarou.

"No, it's tradition, and that makes it okay," smiled Yumichika.

"Can we get on with it!" exclaimed Toshiro.

Yumichika rolled his eyes and pressed the play button on the cassette player. Hanatarou shyly approached Toshiro and embarrassed put a hand on his waist. Hitsugaya on the other hand had to problem with gripping Hanatarou's shoulder and before Yumichika knew it the roles had been reversed. Hitsugaya led Hanatarou, pulling the poor, stumbling medic along. Yumichika beautifully palmed his forehead in frustration.

"Hitsugaya-Taicho, what are you doing?" grumbled Yumichika.

"What you told me to," replied Toshiro bluntly.

"You have to let Hana lead, and slow down, he's going to-" began Yumichika. It was too late, Hanatarou had fallen and dragged Toshiro down with him. "Fall," he finished.

Yumichika hauled the boys to their feet and straightened their uniforms. "Hitsugaya-Taicho you need to be less stiff and more gentle with your partner. Hana-chan, you need to set the pace. If Hitsugaya-Taicho speeds up don't let him drag you. Now try again."

Many falls and stumbles later, Hanatarou was leading (sort of) at a slow steady pace. Hitsugaya-Taicho followed begrudgingly, since he was used to being the one in charge. Finally there was the final test.

"Alright, Hana-chan, you can take a break. Hitsugaya-Taicho, I'm going to pair you up with Yachiru-chan again. If you can lead her, you can lead anybody," mused the fifth seat.

That being said, a black and pink blur zipped across the room leaving candy wrappers in her wake. The blur clambered up Yumichika's front with candy coated fingers and latched herself to his neck. Between gasps for breath, Yumichika snarled about his clean uniform being covered with sticky hand prints. "Narci-chan!~ I found gummy worms!" cheered Yachiru.

"I can see that..." mumbled Yumichika. His poor poor uniform was now all wrinkled and sticky. As soon as this lesson was over, he was definately going to change, "Now Yachiru-chan, I need you to try to dance with Hitsugaya-Taicho. Can you do that for me?"

"Haaaaaaaaiiiiiii~" squealed the little girl as she jumped from Yumichika to Hitsugaya. The tiny taicho could barely catch her as she hit him with the impact of a bubble gum pink cannon ball. Hanatarou slumped to the floor, thankful that it was his turn to simply watch, rather than participate. He watched the two try to dance, and for the most part succeed. Hitsugaya's more controlling nature was put to use as he managed to keep Yachiru's movements less erratic than usual. The only problem was, they weren't very graceful.

"I suppose it can't be helped," sighed Yumichika, "He's like a two by four slab of wood and she's like a rubber ball. They're completely incompatible."

"I think it's cute," said Hanatarou meekly.

"No, you're cute, that's organized chaos," corrected the fifth seat.

Hanatarou flushed quietly. Nobody had ever called him cute before this had happened. He had always been invisible, unnoticed, just some other shinigami. Now he was being called cute, pretty, innocent...well, there was also stupid, naive, clumsy, weak, but he would forget those. He was actually fiding he liked being noticed and complemented. Sure it was by a vain maniac who had kidnapped him, beat him and forced him to wear weird clothes, but it was still sort of nice.

Then the medic was shocked back into reality by music stopping and Yumichika being knocked over and pinned to the floor.

"Did you see Narci-chan? Did you see!?" chirped Yachiru, "I danced with Chibi Shiro-chan!"

"Air!" gasped Yumichika, trying to remove Yachiru's candy coated hands from his delicate throat.

As Yachiru was about to comply, Hitsugaya put a hand on her shoulder. She turned around in confusion. "No fuku-taicho, you stay right there," said the white haired boy.

"B-But Narci-chan said-" began Yachiru.

"I'm a Captain, that means you listen to me instead," explained Hitsugaya, "Don't move a muscle until I leave and I promise to send a stocking full of candy to the eleventh division office."

"Yay!" cheered Yachiru.

Hanatarou watched in horror as Yachiru now seemed to be concentrating on suffocating her subordinate as Hitsugaya gathered himself up and prepared to leave. "And Ayasegawa-goseki, I expect that diary to be returned."

In the mean time, Yumichika was still choking, and Hanatarou swore he heard the prase, 'mutiny.' Twice.

Well, at least he had not been hit this time. Progress was being made...sort of...


End file.
